Greets you with “What can I do to get you in this annuity today?”

When you schedule an appointment, he says “Can we meet at your place? I couldn’t make rent last month.”

The name on his business card is: “A. Ponzi Scheme”

Keeps referring to mutual funds as mutual funs.

Returns your calls collect.

He makes the quote signals with his fingers every time he says “integrity,” “conservative,” or “taxes.”

Speaks fondly of his great-great-great-great grandmother who served 20 to life in an Oneonta Debtor’s Prison.

After telling him why you need help, responds with “I’m not very good with money either.”

When asked for ways to get more cash, says “Well, have you at least tried the copy machine?”

Clients? I prefer the term “Suckers!”

Advises you to avoid bonds entirely because he’s “not sure how that steroid thing is going to work out.”

His e-mail address is: commisions4me@noformaltraining.com

Tells you he learned everything there is to know about this business from watching documentaries about the mob.

His resume highlights his extensive experience managing the budget for the federal government.

When asked for a stock recommendation, he responds with “What’s your zodiac sign again?”